Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If you love someone, let them tweet.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.