Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial