Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying