Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Plumber: I think I found the problem
