jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
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They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.