Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

How your email finds me

Breaking news:

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]