Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.