Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.