Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’M CRYINGGG
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.