jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist