Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

new year update: losing everything but weight

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

this is how life feels

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer