jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.