Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?