Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.