Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.