Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

me irl

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.