JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
You Might Also Like
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I’d love this…lol
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
hackers play passwordle
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old