Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Lmao

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants