Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
S M O L
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.