Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)