Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”