Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?