Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.


It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.


Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.


“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”


If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.


Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?


I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.


Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.


Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…


Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet