@kibblesmith: Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that's dinner for a human family
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@samdunsiger: Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don't have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
@BrandonVine: *pulled over by cop* Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired? *tags cop* Me: You're it! Cop: Me running away: Renewed!
@thinkingparsnip: *DJ drops the beet* ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
@KeetPotato: me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] "gnocc gnocc-" waiter: "who's there? haha" me: "this isn't a joke son"