@kibblesmith

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

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@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@jakob_huber

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.

@causticbob

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

@Darlainky

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet