Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle