Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Tell me you get it…🤣

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.