Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.