and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i hope my email finds you on fire
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel