JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)

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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.


*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*


He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.


Google search history:

Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet


89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.


Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”


I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.


Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”