I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
mmm onion ringos
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”