@BatBatshitcrazy
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
@batkaren
JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)
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@BatBatshitcrazy
@alexlumaga
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
@TheTweetOfGod
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.
@notxzibit
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
@jergarl
89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
@JohnHilsen
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
@PaulyPeligroso
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
@Lisabug74
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
@ibid78
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
@stephenjmolloy
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”