@batkaren

JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)

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@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@TheTweetOfGod

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@jergarl

89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.

@JohnHilsen

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

@PaulyPeligroso

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@Lisabug74

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”