It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
this has to be peak English
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that