Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”