It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
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If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Anyone really
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
my mind
You just read my mind
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Tier 3 meme
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers