Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

There’s always that one guy

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs