Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.