Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

When I said I liked it rough.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.