JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.