Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Mad Max Arctic Road

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit