JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Just so funny
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*