Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight