Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Just so funny

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.