Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no