Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

🙄

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Lmao

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.