[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Steam Forums
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled