Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?