Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

If you’re not personally the cause of at least 3 rules in the group DM, are you even participating.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.