Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31