@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

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@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them

@VolatileVani

I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.

@murrman5

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

@MomOnFire

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

@ArfMeasures

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

@PhilJamesson

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@stevevsninjas

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.