Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
God: you’re a yak.
Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.
Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?
Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.
Yak: guess my favorite band?
Yak: my chemoocal romance.
God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan