Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
podcasts
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*