ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I think I’ll stand
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.