Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

(Jupiter –

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213