JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Many hands make light work
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Saturday
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?