JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
23. the denim jacket
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m crying im so happy for them
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”