Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

My retirement plan is to become a cat.