Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…