Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

A friend helps you before you need it

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”