Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap