Joseph Smith, 1833
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anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
#merica
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.