Joseph Smith, 1833
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.