Joseph Smith, 1833
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people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Every work meeting this week
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Tuesday
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.