Joseph Smith, 1833
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Breaking news:
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.