Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
haha same
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Covert ops
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.