@panmidwest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

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@jon_bois

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@tracietom

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

@Audenary

DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

@jinkee

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.