@panmidwest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

You Might Also Like

@_davidlucas_

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@TheRealPalMal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

@sixthformpoet

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.