I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.