JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them