Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

monday

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.