Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.