Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Do not steal food from the science building!

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no