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When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!