journal
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Blocked: 1985
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse