Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Did my cat write this
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Sounds like a real hoot.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Good point.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now