Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

groan^2