Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sooo many times…..

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Ha.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.