Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

my first day as a raccoon

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

🙂🐾

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.