Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Need this in my life lol

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?