JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Living the best life.. 😊
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?