Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”