Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.