Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
What’s this sorcery? 😂