Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!