Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

And they lived apathetically ever after.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

FINE, I WON’T.