Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

How does someone manage that 🤨

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.