[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water