Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.