Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!